Our little Christmas... in Pictures.

Annnnd looks like that's all Blogger will allow me to upload at this time. *Huff*

It was a good holiday season... we have so much to be thankful for. Most importantly, those two boyJoys of ours. They make pretty much everything merry and bright. Plus, at the end of the day with them, we fall into bed completely wiped out... then have dreams of more bebies. It's a vicious cycle. :)

Peace, love, and Christmas.
xo
lmkw

To be Five...

Dear boy.of.mine,

You've reached the mark you've been waiting for... Five Years Old. I'm so happy that you are happy. For the first time in your life, you outlined exactly what kind of fanfare you felt fit this big milestone. I did everything in my control to secure all the details of the day that you wanted... not because you are demanding or hard to please- but because you are the kind of child that a mother wants to indulge. There isn't an ugly bone in your body- or more importantly, your spirit.

It's spectacular to watch you grow... and I have noted every detail of this growth since you were just a flutter deep within my womb. I marvel in who you are. I'm astonished at who God has created you to be. There was a time, not too long ago, that your dad and I could evaluate everything about you... your nature, your eyes, your smile, your predispositions... we could label them quite clearly into two categories: theMe in you, and theHim in you. But now we can clearly see that there is more to you than Us. And thank goodness for it! You are so much more than we could have ever imagined. You are intricate, marvelous, and sincere.

I love you for where you have brought me. I love where you take me. I love the journey I've found in being your mother. I love the hope that exist every morning I wake up to find you in our nest. Watching you grow is fantastic and devastating and beautiful... I'm so grateful you share this space with us.

always and forever.ever,
momma

photo credit: Glass Wall Photography

Last Night...

I woke up this morning as usual to theHotness making his way to the bathroom to get ready for work. In that instant that I opened my eyes, I realize that I had an amazing dream... a beautiful dream. I saw our daughter's face... her big brown eyes, her curled lashes, her soft dreamy hair. In my dream, I was focused on telling her to wait for us, that we were coming... and to not be afraid. I held her tight and kissed her a million times and I was overcome with emotion. She wasn't scared and she acted like she new me and loved me and felt safe with me. It was the warmest, brightest feeling ever. I told her about her brothers and how silly they were and how devoted they will be when she comes home. I told her about Jax's easy laugh and James' tender heart. I told her about her daddy... that he was calm and strong and good. I wrapped my arms around her and told her that her daddy's hug felt one.hundred.times better... and that with him around, nothing would ever hurt her. Ever. I told her that he makes our dreams come true and will make hers too.

In my dream, I started to feel the haste that our time together was nearly over. I took her tiny hand... all five fingers and I spread them out over my hand. I held it to my heart and told her about me. I told her that nothing would stop me from getting to her. I told her that I'm not a perfect person... or perfect mother... but I've never been scared of Effort or a Challenge or Hard Work. I told her that if she would trust me, I would devote the rest of my life to raising her up in Love and in Truth. I looked into her brown eyes above her button nose and told her that her dreams would be my dreams and heart would be my heart. I told her that I promise to respect her heritage and the woman that gave the ultimate sacrifice to place her into our nest. I promised to come back and DO something to keep these children safe, these woman safe. I promised to be honest with her... to not raise her separate or apart from her culture... I promised to try with all my heart to raise her as best I can. I asked her to trust me. To wait for me.

Then a beautiful lady dressed in a beautiful, simple gown came and took her from me. I crumbled. Not in fear... I had great peace. I crumbled at the physical separation and reality that we have a long road ahead of us. I love her so much. I'm bonded to a child I've never met or seen. But this dream was a gift to me.

My friend posted this today on her FB page. It spoke to my heart.

"Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise... He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises." Romans 4:20-21

I am fully convinced that God has promised this for our family... for this little girl. In this promise comes great emotion. For this child to be promised to us, she will have to come into this world amid great strife and struggle. She will have to be loved, nurtured, and given up by her birth mother... not because she was ever unwanted... but because of extreme poverty... because of lack of resources and development- things that shouldn't exist in our world. Things that can and should and will be changed. I'm so little. So very very small. But inside me lives a Mighty.Force. And I know that my heart is His heart... and that paired with a little Boldness, is all we really need. In my dream, I pledged myself to this child to do everything in my power to bring about a change in this orphan crisis in Ethiopia and around the world...

And in that promise, I will not waiver.



peace, love, and Promises.
xo
lmkw

Happy NewYear: The beginning of a journey...

Hi friends!

Today is the first day 'back.to.normal.' You see, 4 days ago we started a new year... Year 2011... the year We've Been Waiting For!!! I've been waiting for this moment for more than a year... remember way back to November of 2009? Feels like forever ago.

This year marks a big step in our little family. As anticipated, we are growing our family! We will be adding to our little nest through the miracle of adoption. The anatomy of our family will be forever changed and we could not be happier!


All the way across the world there is a little girl... we don't know who she is. We don't know her face, her age, or anything about her at all... other than the fact that circumstances will bring us together as a family. All we can do is trust God to make our paths meet. All we can do is to take one step forward, in faith, trusting that eventually we will find our feet on African soil making their way to ourGirl.

The specifics?

We have filed for adoption of a bebe-2yo little girl in Ethiopia... Our agency is Illien Adoptions International. We expect this process to take anywhere from 12 to 18 months. Yes, it will be expensive. Yes, it will be an emotional trial. Yes, there are many many unknowns out there that have/have yet/and will present themselves to us on this journey--- BUT we feel without a shadow of a doubt, that our family is meant to reach out into this world and bring an orphan home. In adoption (or even pregnancy) we can't control everything... at some point you have to let go of the illusion of control and step out in Faith, trusting God's will in our lives. We trust that our Heavenly Father will meet us there and carry us to her and her to us. He will make a way for us both.... It's an unlikely story of Love. But 'unlikely' is our God's specialty. So we look forward down this path with eyes lifted!

This image is taken from our agency's site... they have amazing images there. :)

So basically I'm staring this year in the face and wondering about many things:

Will we be moving this year? Will we move back to Texas? Will it be (crossing our fingers) overseas? Will we be parents of three by 2012? Will the adoptions be short and easy? Long and difficult? Are we sticking around in BatonRouge for another year or three? What will me turning 30 feel like? Should I let mustard.seed.photography grow with wild abandon adding more photographers, editors, and a studio space? Should I keep it small and neat and maintain my position as a niche indie.photographer? Will I feel this new bebe sleep on my chest... feeling her hot little breath on my neck? Or is that further away? Will the boys become world travelers this year with hours packed away on airplanes... walking the streets of new places, learning new customs, making new friends?

At this point, Jan. 4th, 2011- I have no idea of the answers. And my personality lends itself to being a little impatient... wanting to control mostly everything. BUT when I look over my list of uncertainties, it's obvious that no matter how these questions are answered, we are living an abundantly blessed life. I'm not sure what the Big Picture of 2011 will be... but I'm completely certain that God will be there in the details, hand tailoring exactly what we need. Today I am at peace! And I'm hoping that tomorrow I will wake up with the same peace... but if not, I'll choose to center myself around the things in my life that are unchanging.

Good things are on the horizon! I don't want to miss today by waiting on tomorrow... So YOU! 2011? Don't even try to come at me all loomy and up.in.the.air! That may would have worked in 2010 or something- but not now, Sucker. Dude, I'm almost THIRTY- which means I've got this thing.

In the meantime, I plan on choosing joy everyday and wait for all these questions to reveal their answers. But between you and me? I'd like to be overseas, with a bebe, that comes to us rather quickly and painlessly, with happy/healthy/growing boys experiencing a different culture... annnnnnd i'd like to find myself in a moment where I'm walking down a market street, with my bebeGirl wrapped around me, sleeping soundly, the top of her head smelling like Heaven. My boys holding my hands walking beside me taking in all that they see... with Marcus' keeping us all safe in his stride. It certainly would take many minor.miracles to piece this little dream together this year- but it is certainly possible. SO I'll think on it while I fold clothes and tend my men. :)

For now, we will be focusing on some up coming job news, our home study, some exciting fund.raising opportunities, James' spring Pre.School semester, and a very full winter/spring mustard.seed schedule!

To keep my heart busy, I'm on a quest to find some amazing Africa/Ethiopia/Adoption art prints/jewelry. I'm currently obsessed with filling our nest with it's image. Because after all, this country (and more specifically a Community, a Family, a Woman) will give us the most Precious Resource it has... and I want to be reminded of this everyday. :) So let me know if you have a favorite resource!

source here! *This was made by an expectant dad to his wife as they awaited the arrival of their sweet son... It makes me cry when I see it. It's amazing. Annnnnd I think I'd die if I could have my own print...

***And it can't go without saying, THANK YOU to all that have followed my story, my work, and my little family... Your encouragement has gone a long way and I'm grateful for your time and sentiments. Please keep up with this journey! We will need the company!! ;)

peace, love, and notarized paperwork trails.
xo
lmkw

Hello, Rest and Relaxation... and Reflection.

Hi friends,

It's 8:30 am.

I woke around 7am when theHotness kissed me goodbye on his way out the door to work. I love the way he smells of soap, toothpaste, and cologne when he leaves out to face this big.bad.world for us. I laid in bed for a while longer watching the light reflecting off the lake dance on my bedroom ceiling... how does it dooo that? Then I rolled out of bed, grabbed my red rove- you remember the one? The one James insisted I have last Christmas and promptly told me about once they came in from shopping?

I walked through my house... the warm cypress woodwork, the fresh grey walls, the cold tile leading down the hall to James' room. I crept up to the top bunk and started kissing and smelling his head. He is all knees and elbows but his cheeks are still chubby. His fat cherub lips still pout when he sleeps. I nuzzled him until he finally woke to shrug me off. "Momma? Daddy never does that,' he says to me in his brand new morning voice. "I know, Love."

"Why you do that?" he asks sort of annoyed. I sigh, trying to pick out the best reason for loving my children to death... I couldn't settle on one good reason, so I launched into something like: it's because you grew inside my belly for 9 months. It's because I lost all reason when you were born healthy and placed into my arms. It's because you are my proof that God is faithful and full of grace. It's because I watched your pensive face melt into your first smile. I felt the knobby ridge of your first tooth peek through your gummy smile that day in the bath tub. Your first step. The day you found my lipstick. The way you'd lick the top of your daddy's head when you were on his shoulders. The way you'd belly.laugh in your sling when I'd smash garlic when cooking your dinner... I watched you leave me to take your first bus ride. I held my breath as you finally returned to me that afternoon... All of this. All of these things. And all the things that will ever happen from here on out with you. It's endless. That's why.

By this point, we were thick into the decision of what to wear for Free Dress Day. I had several well coordinated outfits laid out for scrutiny. Naturally, none made the cut. As usual, he wanted to wear his T.Ball sliding pants and one of his football or soccer jerseys. All of which are too small for him to leave the house and go out in public. *James has grown 7 inches in the past 2.5 months. Yes, seriously. James, you don't know this, but you have 3 NFL authentic jerseys and a professional soccer jersey coming your way for Christmas. With these gifts I fully understand that I'll never get you to wear anything else ever again... I'm sure you'll be on a strict 4 outfit rotation for the rest of your life. But at least I will have the satisfaction that you will be wearing clothes that FIT. All of this in hopes to avoid the next teary FreeDress morning when I have to explain again why you can't wear your France soccer jersey to school. (Carmen, remember that jersey?) You've worn it weekly then daily since you were TWO. It has seen a good run, Dearest.

Then after 5 more minutes of prep time, he was running out the door to catch the bus. Book sack bobbing up and down as he jogged down the driveway, across the street, then a quick pause as he gave his bus driver a High.Five.

The past two days I've been sadish. I'm coming off an incredibly successful and busy mustard.seed.photography year. There was no way I could expect the overwhelming response to my work. It's been amazing and I've grown so much professionally and personally. I'm 100% grateful for it all! But I'm a touch tired. I'm anxious to pause MSP work so I can recoup some much needed family time. I still have some lingering work... but for the most part, I won't be producing new work until January. I'm anxious to refocus on my family and this season. Just a mini.holiday respite.

Which brings me to the fact that each year that passes, my boys get a year older. James will be FIVE years old in 19 days.

Maybe because he was my first... or the fact that I had a high.risk pregnancy... or because he followed a miscarriage... or because he was born at the most nostalgic time of the year... I always get emotional around his birthday. It's not a marked 'sadness' but it is an overwhelming sense of gratefulness.


My life changed the day he was born. I became myself when he was born. Then I think about where Marcus and I were when we became parents. Our love. Our hopes. Our finances or lack of. It makes me swell up inside. God gifted US with James... and our lives have never been the same. Everyday is filled with an unconditional, tangible Love that we never could have expected. And that Love became Jackson... and will become our daughter as we make our way to her. As a woman, nothing has ever compared to the Purpose I feel tending my nest and my bitties.




And when I reflect on this transformation and the Hope that I feel moving forward raising up these boys... I am undone. For a spell. A day or two.

I'm hoping a weekend steeped in family festivities with my three boys will help my aching heart.

Peace, love, and gingerbread.
xo
lmkw

Things I shouldn't forget...

My moonshine.
My beaux jack.
My moon.eyed boy.
My first.born.



James has been in school now for 2 months or so... a very big step for this pre.schooler. A very big step for his momma. Things have shifted some in our little nest to accommodate such Huge Happenings. Some for better. Some for worse, maybe?

When James was 18months old, I can remember him trying a little independence on for size. He could walk. He could talk. He could sneak and demand and make grown people spring into action to produce whatever it was that he wanted in a moments notice.

One day, at wits end, I confessed to my best friend... she laughed and promised me something I will never forget. It was simple. And it's been my parenting mantra every since... Even when I feel like I am losing my grip with towing the line with these boys... about to crash into the Parental.Purgatory- I remind myself of this very important phrase. My friend promised that 'it was just a phase.' Just like a mother who whispers 'it's only a dream' when you wake scared and fitful... I trusted her. I still do. When things get out.of.sync, when I question theUniverse and ponder if alien life form has, indeed, taken possession of my moon.eyed 4yo body, I repeat to myself (sometimes audibly) IT'S JUST A PHASE. Sometimes it's more of a plea. Sometimes it's a battle cry. And sometimes it's proven advice I hand over to other friends who may.or.maynot be questioning their own parental sanity.

IT'S JUST A PHASE

And the thing is, it really is just a phase. SO far, so good!
*knocking on my wooden editing desk*

My boyJoy has gone off to school to learn about the BigBadWorld and every day, at the perfect time, he runs off the school bus and swaggers up to the house wanting water and to talk about his travels. As his mother, and biggest fan, I listen with baited breath, hanging on every.word.

I miss him. I miss our time together. And, like all whimsy.in.love.mothers, I have such high expectations of our remaining day together...

Along with wisdom and experience comes a few side.effects of growing up. At school he has learn how to tilt his voice just right, begging for things. A whine. He's learned to whine as well as any child. He's learned to push, shove, and yank things away if he wants them... Fake crying for things? Nailed. He's learned how to infuriate grown.educated.adults into a tizzy with catch.phrases like: I don't knooooow. I don't waaaaant to. But whhhhhhy? It's like he sees these other children and the cool 'tricks' they know, stuffs them deeply into his pockets and then brings them home to try on for size for Momma and Daddy.

So for the past 8 weeks, we've been steadily undo.ing some of these nasty, yet tempting, social habits. And after we ripped theWhine off, stripped theBully out, stomped theMelodrama down, and scrubbed theBackTalk clean, theHotness and I are totally wiped out.

Nothing thrills me and that man more than being parents... Waking up everyday to meet the crazy needs of raising up our boys and tending our nest. We are steeped deep into this domesticBliss we've created and been Blessed with. So when we see our little chics stray from the nest or act plain.ole.ugly- we ponder the meaning of Life, Love, and Everything.Holy. It's exhausting.

And then I hear a familiar refrain circling around:

It's only a phase.

Then I utter it up in prayer... It's only a phase?

Please, God, let it be.

:)

I love these boys. The ups. The downs. The in.betweens. Everyday we wake up together is pure magic. We work so hard and go without in order to keep me here with these children. I don't want someone else doing this job for me... even though some days I feel that this kind of Courage is faulty and I'm the worst mother on PlanetEarth. This is exactly where I should be. Where I want to be. Where absolute Joy is found. I can't wait for another bebe... and then another, even. As exhausting as bringing up boys can be, there isn't a single place I'd rather be.



Oh James Neal, you've got my heart. Some days, don't squeeze it so hard? Mkay?



Peace, love, and gut.busting.mantras.
xo
lmkw

Our days...

Why hello!

:)
A question for you:

How do professional photographers get pictures of their kids???

One possible answer:

Substandard, grainy, but oh.so.convenient cell phone camera! ;)

**********

Mustard.seed.photography is a beautiful beast- and I'm now working behind the camera hours and hours a week... and then the piles of uncut.raw.images stack up and turn into even more countless hours behind the computer at my editing desk. And with October in the air, I feel a bit like a mad.scientist working feverishly at her creation... a little bit of this, a pinch of that... wild music crooning over Pandora... candles flickering in the corner of my creative space... my signature wild hair standing straight up and positively crooked.

I love it. Every minute, mind you. I do.

So, it's really true that working photographers find a hard time capturing their daily life and family adequately. Where is the time? But thank goodness for my handy.dandy.Iphone!

So in efforts to get this blog pointed in the right direction, lets review the past 5 weeks in our little Nest- compliments of Lola, the ever loyal cellular device. :)

Que the image.update! :)


We kept things clean.ish... mostly. Some of us helped more than others...


We had days where we needed a little freedom...


Days when we really just needed to break.it.down and dance, for reals.


Days when we needed to stand out.


Days when we just wanted to fit in... and be apart of something bigger.


More days of standing.out (it's the Knight.way)...


Followed by more days when we just wanted to fit in...


Confident days.


Days of thrilling thrifted.victories.


Sewing days! Where we realized it pays to be creative... and willing to see things through.


Days full of RePurposing... and the momentum found in Ideas.


Days full of Love, punctuated by Liquid.Courage...


Comforting days of beautiful routine and favorite moments...


Days filled of booksack reminders that we are Blessed... and Love really does Live Here.


Naughty days...


Days (or weeks) where we met new friends and learned new skilz...


Days filled with passion doing what we do best of all...


Dental.hygene obsession... every day. (every.single.day)


In.Love days when I'm rocked to the core by a Romance, by a man, who makes dreams come true...


Starting.new.collection Days...


Welcoming.New.Seasons days...


Days where Practice.makes.Perfect...


Fragile days when mostly everything hurt... Days of loss... struggle days.


Thoughtful days when we reconsidered what matters most of all...


Days of longing... wishing... waiting...


Days with long hours, deadlines, and hard work... hard.beautiful.i.can't.believe.this.is.my.life Work.


Moments of beauty in the constant rush of Daily.Grind.ing.


Craving days... that could only be filled with Lebanese food and rose.water...


Days where we felt proud, simple, and connected.



I.feel.pretty days...


...AND...

Almost.Perfect.Days


(I've missed you, friends. I enjoyed the update.)

Peace, Love, and re.connecting.
xo
lmkw