Thursday, July 30, 2009

Huh! I thought I knew EVERYTHING....!??

SOooo I went to the doc. today and was really surprised at some of the things he told me. I've had an overwhelming amount of you email me/commented asking how I was feeling and sharing your own personal stories about how the has effected you. Each one of you validated my own struggle in finding my footing. So thank you for sharing with me.

Let me quickly tell you a few things that the doc. said that I found interesting. I asked him if he thought my feelings were post.partum related or a reaction to the Micronor mini.pill I was taking. He said that it could be a combination of both- but most likely a strong reaction to the medication.

Here is some food for thought:
-all hormones are synthetic in origin. The reason so many bc pills are on the market is because what works for me, most likely won't work for you. The synthetic option that suits me, probably won't suit you. Huh!

-one reason I had such a strong reaction from this pill could be because I took the pill form. I had to INGEST it. The medicine in the pill (any medicinal pill) must be 'more drug' than my body needs because it has to pass through my stomach... then be metabolized by my liver. The remaining portion of the drug must be the perfect level that I need after my stomach and liver did it's thing.

-my stomach or liver may metabolize and process this medicine faster/slower/more efficient/less efficient than it should... thus yielding the crazy side effects and either too much, or too little of the drug itself. HUH!

-an example that I found EXTREMELY interesting was this: my doc. told me that one guy could take a handful of Lortab and still be screaming in pain... while another guy could take one extra.strength Tylenol and be out for 4 hours. Same age, height, weight. How could this be? His guess is that it depends on our genetics and environmental factors. He extended the example by saying: One lady smokes 3 packs a day for 40 years and lives til she's 80. Another doesn't smoke a day in her life, lives by a refinery plant and dies of lung cancer at 42. How could that be? GENETICS and ENVIRONMENTAL FACTORS.

***All of this to say that medicine- even though it can be our saving grace in many many many cases, is still not a perfect science. Our bodies are unique... and an 'average' drug at an 'average' dose may not suit our individual need. Then again, it could be the perfect fit.

So my lesson learned is this:
I am the one in charge of this body. For me to be able to function the way I need to... to maximize my own genetics, I must contribute in a healthy way all that I can. I shouldn't 'over.use' medicine... I should only use what I need, when I need it. I need to be aware after I've taken something that my body is processing that drug. How is it working? How am I feeling? I need to read and understand ALL side effect of a drup BEFORE taking the medication just in case I need to stop taking it!

*Duh, Lindsey.

Hey, we live and we learn.

So I think I've found a bc option that will work for me. I'm tempted to discuss it here, bc so many of you have emailed asking about my decision. And I don't know many of my peers that have explored this option... So it could be really informative. We'll see.

So things are good. I feel a lot better. ;)

In other news:
Jackson is laughing now. Big gut laughs. So funny. Yellow is his color. And blue... and red. His head smells like heaven. Warm heaven.
James has only dropped him twice on his head and has only stuck his dirty foot into his mouth once. :/ Jax is still mooney.eyed for his big brother. I'm hoping Jackson's affections for his hap.hazard.big.bro point less to a low IQ, and more to strong family connections. ;) James is still bitter than he can't nurse Jackson, too. He feels like I'm really holding out on him.

James can read a lot (A LOT) of sight words... can spell a handful on his own... and has incredible handwriting for a three year old. All his letters, and numbers up to thirty something... He's ***this****close*** to spelling words phonetically. We will need a crash.cart available for the day he brings me his drawing with words spelled out phonetically. It was late the other night and he wanted me to tell him a story (or five). I rocked the first two.... like any English teacher would. But the last one, well, there were some major flaws in the plot. And as sure as I'm sitting here typing in my spit.up stained, white robe, James stopped me- stuttering and said,"bu bu but... BUT momma!? Where is the conflict?" ---Okay---- What!? No, Seriously. Whaaat!? I almost fell over. He said, "You know. Something bad needs to happen. So it can be fixed."! Geeze that kid. *But the same kid was sitting next to me on the couch and pulled a booger out of his nose. Looked at it. And said, 'what's this?' I told him it was a booger. I told him to go put it into a tissue and throw it away. He promptly stuck it back into his nose and said, "NO! It lives in my nose. And everything needs a home." Ah, he's got my bleeding heart. You can't argue with that. In hindsight, I could have told him that the trash can was it's home... but I hadn't gotten to my second cup of coffee that morning. So I just left well enough alone. ;)

Thanks for all the well wishes and encouragement. I swear yall's feedback amount to a lot of back.bone... and any woman who gathers her courage up enough to become a mother needs a lot of backbone! So thanks for making sure I have my fair share. ;)

Peace, love, and guts.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

So today's post will be part confession, part update, and part therapy.

This past week, we've crossed the Three Month mark. For three full months now my body has been void a growing bebe (sugarbutt is reading the word 'fetus' here... i just know she is). For three months our car has had an extra passenger. One who makes no beef about hating every minute of riding anywhere. For three months now, there have been new sounds and sights in our house that point less to an intruder- but more to a new member. For three full months our hearts have changed to include the addition of the cutest and sweetest littleDuck you've ever seen.

If we've ever had a talk about motherhood (and lets be honest, that's all we ever do here! ;) then you know how much I cling to milestones. Milestones validate all the hard times... they add priority and magic to all the good times. They serve as a marker of where you have been and where you could be going. They remind you that life is in the details- and no matter what, time marches on...

To keep things honest and authentic, I've got to confess that things lately haven't been so great. In fact, some days they've been just plain hard. I wasn't going to post anything about my personal delima- but after talking to a handful of really competent, inspiring mothers- I feel that there is no shame in this story. In fact, it's quite triumphant.

Let's dive in shall we? When Jax was born I did great. Seriously. I took this new bebe in stride and recovered and felt like a million bucks. In fact, I felt so good- and was handling it so well that I kind of amazed myself. Shouldn't this be harder? I mean, I just birthed a human being and I'm up on my feet cooking, cleaning, creating, homemaking, and all.together on top of the world! Odd, yes. But I felt good, regardless.

BUT things started to change. Abruptly. At my six week postpartum visit, my doctor put me on the 'mini.pill' as birth control. This was standard procedure and a typical pill for nursing mothers. It allowed me to prevent pregnancies while still nursing Jackson. Fine by me. Whatev. I certainly didn't want to get pregnant so soon... and nursing Jackson is a priority to me. So it's all good. However, things started to change for me as soon as I started to take this medicine. I didn't correlate the two... probably because I was busy tending to two human lives that rely souly on my ability to care, tend, and provide for them... a functioning home of four... and a recuperating, nursing body. All while waking to nurse the bebe every few hours at night. So I wasn't good at making connections here! (In fact, I've suspended all memory and remembering functions until uninterupted sleep resumes at night. FYI.)

I started to feel really tired. Like could hardly.drag.myself.out.of.bed.tired. I felt like I was underwater... walking with bricks tied to my ankles. I was sad. Aggressive. Frustrated. Angry. And most of all, OVERWHELMED. I had some of the most bleak thoughts I've ever thought in my whole life. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I literally felt like my three boys' lives and happiness depended 100% on me and my ability to be the best for them all the time. I could hardly breath under the pressure. *My sister suffered some fairly tough postpartum depression after the birth of her first child. Ever since then, she's been really protective and proactive with MY motherhood experience in hopes to ward off any lingering, inappropriate postpartum feelings. Plus, I've enlisted a few close friends and my husband in helping monitor me and encourage me if I were to need it. Well, in addition to these desperate feelings and frequent headaches- I knew something wasn't right. I was not right. I was nothing like myself. Something was dreadfully wrong.

The good news? I started to research this particular pill I was on. I didn't have to dig very deep to find tons of other stories just like mine! I felt instantly relieved that perhaps this wasn't true postpartum depression- rather side effects from this birth control pill. After talking with my doctor, he immediately recognized my experience as a reaction to this medication. *whew* I stopped taking the pills immediately and have been feeling better day by day ever since. *VICTORY* Now, I will say that I am annoyed by having had this experience but am so thankful that it only took a couple weeks for me to realize and fix this problem. I just wish that birth control options weren't so hard on the woman! I mean... of all our choices out there, none of them are really easy on us. The responsibility of this does rest heavy on our shoulders completely. You know?

Plus, it scares the heck out of me how trusting I was to introduce a new drug into my system. *My doctor is great. I think he's really incredible, caring, and supportive of me. So this isn't on him.* BUT had I researched this medicine prior to taking it, I could have avoided this pit.of.despair that I fell in to. And better yet, it would have put me on a natural path of mental health earlier.

Anywho, I'm grateful to have reached this Three Month victory having dodged that awful bullet. I've got a great support system who keep an eye on me and encourage me every day. Being a mom of two hasn't been easy for me- But it's so much easier now that I don't have artificial hormones pushing me around! I was made for this job- and I know now more than ever how important it is for me to be healthy in all ways! I mean it's like that old saying, "If Momma ain't happy, no body is happy." So true, right?

So if there are any young mothers out there reading my blog- take heart. We've got a big job. The biggest job of all. AND it's not easy. But with the right friends and some honest conversation we can navigate this journey of motherhood, one milestone at a time. Right?

As mothers we all understand sacrifice. We sacrifice our bodies, our time, our passions, our freedom, our energy--- but in the end, it's these faces that make me mean something. Because of these faces, I matter. Here are a few pics of my beautiful boys... the ones that make all this hard work worth while.

Three months looks good on him, no?

Oh, James. He is still so to me...

I love my bebies. Completely. We've come so far...

Thanks for following along with me in this journey... as I strut, soar, fall, confess, and find my way back. Life is good.

Peace, love, and soy milk.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Home again!

Hello you blog.lovelies! We are home from Texas with the weekend at our back. Oh. .... wait for it... Oh, I had a nice time. I miss Houston so much it's pitiful. Kingwood specifically... but Houston as a whole. *sigh* But neither of us is really surprised. So let's move on, shall we?

The highlight to this trip was the sleeeep. Yes, I added an 'e' for each night Jackson slept through without waking. Basically we slept until around noon each day, more or less. I know many of you reading this are judging me right now.

Admit it!

You are... but please, let me explain: I'm a nursing mother of an almost 3 month old AND 3 year old toddler. Let me make it even more plain for those of you whose uterus'* have no history: I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN THREE MONTHS.

There. (And yes, I did just insert a footnote into my blog. Score!)

So sleeping til noon was certainly a highlight to my trip. I feel like all my woes melted away under that down comforter. We stayed in a really nice hotel right off the Galleria. It was a suite with a kitchen, living area, etc. So comfy and homey. I face this next week somewhat restored feeling.

AND the second best thing was that I got to spend nearly everyday with this lovely lady.
Yes, my Moonbeam. My soul mate. My bestie. In this pic, we were on our way out the door to see Harry Potter... eat Turkish yums... fall into a tar pit... then be attacked by soft.soap. All in that order. I love her. Oh, and look at that lovely spray tan I'm rocking! Nice. ;)

I also got to spend a good bit of time with this lady.

Ah, The.Granna. She's the Granna to my boys, the master of my zen, and the patter of my back. When the world harshes my mellow, Claire comes in and saves the day. Seriously. Our first day there, she took theDuckling for the night to let me and theHotness go on a little We went to the Melting Pot and enjoyed the heck out of ourselves... all the while knowing that our Tiny was safe and sound in the most capable hands around. It was our first night away from him... and it went well.

Am I forgetting something?

Oh, we ate at Lupe Tortilla as many times as possible. James scored some great clothes... Erica provided a new instalment of jewels**... and we even did a little house hunting for when we transfer back to Kingwood. Well, I mean.. we decided on a neighborhood we liked. Hopefully we will be back within the next 24 months. James spent most of the week with the in.laws. They love him so much- and always pack their time together with great activities. I hate not having him with me but I know how important it is to let him have his special time away with MawMaw.Pops. Plus, it allowed some super.snuggly time with bebeJax. He's growing up so fast- and I'm ridiculously in love with him. Nuts! He's got the sweetest little spirit and most expressive nature. Romance, that one!

Here are a few snapshots of our week. Mostly random tid.bits... from Lola... or the point.n.shoot which lacks a name.
Me and Tater. *L.O.V.E* I'm crazy in love with this gent.

Tate took this last shot with Lola... and I love it.

So I've got a lot on tap this week. I've got my hands full for sure. 1.) I really am antsy to share a new project I've been working on. 2.) I want to talk seriously about being a mother of two... the things that make me soar, the things that make me sink... and finding my way through the middle. 3.)Plus, I'm about to launch into a major photo.inspiration undertaking. I'm hoping to sit down and pencil out some of my goals creatively (which include my blog journaling) tomorrow some time. It's always better for me to have things on paper so I can actively work toward my goals.

That's it! It's nearly 1 a.m. and I'm needing to go snuggle the biggest boy.

Peace, love, and night.time.clouds.

*uterus'... or is it uteri?
**jewels, why Greenerica of course! More to share about this... coming soon!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Fun on the Fourth!

Happy Fourth of July folks!

Think about it: July 4th... where has our year gone?

It was a great day for my little family of four. We spent the day at my parents with my two sisters and their families. Daddy smoked tons of yummy meat for all the carnivores there. Brisket, pork ribs, beef ribs, sausage, chicken... Yums. My sister made some kickin' potato salad and baked beans and I made homemade vanilla ice cream to go with Momma's peach cobbler. Oh, and James made Mango Sorbet... or what is better known as 'Salmon Sorbet' for all you Henry's in the house. All was delicious.

We spent the day eating and swimming... then my little family broke away to head to the levy to watch the fireworks. It was a beautiful night. Hot as Blue.Blazes, mind you. We parked at the State Capitol and walked down the levy a little. We were lucky enough to connect with a great little family we love, and atop their daddies shoulders, our bebies watched a beautiful fireworks display. TheDuckling was tucked into his bebe sling, cuddling close with his momma. After the grand finale, we walked back to the car where we let the kids run with sparklers under the oaks at the capitol. Beautiful. Sweet. A perfect end to a great family day.

Here are a few pics:

My beautiful sister and her growing family... with one more on the way!

James and Dylan... the perfect pair. They are five months apart and they are like two peas! I love seeing them together.

A few of the swimmin' crew!

Sweet bebeJax (9weeks!)

*I'll try to share more fun pics later... I've got a house to clean this week! Since Danyelle was in town for nearly two weeks, we've been running the roads. The house has been more of a landing/refueling station. Oh the mess! Plus, I'm gearing up to a big week.long trip to Houston. I CAN'T WAIT to head West to my favorite forest. Harry Potter comes out next week and I've GOT to see it with Moon... so much to look forward to. Anywho... I'll get those pics up eventually.

Peace, love, and night.time.sparkles!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hello again...

Oh friends,

This is where I apologize for being so quiet for so long. Thanks to the Philippines and all the nice Dell technicians that live there, I am up and running again. My computer required a new hard drive, a slew of candy.colored installation CDs, and eleven and a half hours on the phone with various technicians. We are almost fully restored and back to normal. I've got to figure out my wireless situation... I'm currently borrowing Internet service from a neighbor- all while mine is up and running, just undetected by my poor lappy.

Not having my computer was really hard at first. I was aggravated for the first three days... but then my aggravation gave way to a very smooth and sublime feeling of NOW. A nice yellow feeling. I forgot what anonymity felt like... It was nice for the world to know now all we were doing, and to not know what everyone else was doing. Something all together authentic about it... you know?

Now, nothing is really worse than feeling like there is a 'lifetime' of stuff to share- but not having the inspiration to adequately cover that much ground. Makes me feel... what's the word... pressured. Silly, though. This is my blog- I call the shots... so I should just get over it. So, here I go!

On 'getting over it:'

My lovely sister is in town from California. *The one in the center* She's down with my niece and nephew. She's my best friend and I love her company so much. What better way to commemorate our girl.time together than brunch at Brennan's in NewOrleans? Danyelle graduated from Tulane- so between the two of us, we have a ton of favorite places in NewOrleans. But you can't beat the food, spirit, and history at Brennan's. It was theHotness' idea to keep the kids for us while we went and enjoyed our time, just the girls.

Cooling down the weather here in South Louisiana one icy bloody mary at.a.time!

We got confirmation yesterday that my daddy is cancer free! Most of you didn't know- but some time ago, Daddy had a melanoma found on his neck. After a scary surgery and lab work, we were told that the plastic surgeon had removed it all and caught it in an early stage- so no radiation or chemo. Daddy has had two 'run in's with cancer in the past 3 years- nothing short of God's grace and mercy brought us through unharmed. I'm so grateful to serve a living God... one who hears our cries and meets our needs EVERYDAY, everyday. I can't imagine living this life without my feet planted on His solid rock. I can't imagine living this life without the Faith that passes all understanding... How does it go? 'Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future and life is worth the living just because He lives.' I love you Daddy and can't imagine my life without you.

Traipsing around Baton Rouge/New Orleans on this whirlwind schedule with Danyelle and the kids... on this day, our little fishermen James and Dylan posed for a few pics at the shop. Lots more pics to come showing these boys off on their adventures.

Watching theDuckling grow each day. I never imagined having as much love for a second child... I mean, how is that even possible to have that much love to give? But as miraculous as pregnancy and childbirth is- the love that follows is immeasurable. And as the picture suggest, he's a calm and laid back little.lover.

How did I get two calm and good natured little boys? Yes, I just knocked on my wooden nightstand. Watching them bond is really somethin' else. They've really reinvented the concept of joy in my life.

One HUGE change that came after having my first child was how SIMPLE life became. No more pretending. No more need for drama just to feel alive. No more pouting or 'deep' thinking to make me feel like a complex living creature. I was immediately de.centered in my life- and other real things took center stage. Simple things make me happy. I have an ultimate purpose in my life. Second to the Love I receive from my Savior, I can't help but see this as one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. I just made twenty.eight... we've come so far. So far! I always wanted a family when I was little. I'd wonder what my husband would be like... my kids... what would we do together? And here I am... tangled under the covers with three of the sweetest guys in the world. James is very vocal- I've got to do a separate post about that. But the other day I walked out dressed in a new outfit. He ran to me, grabbed my hands, and in dancing a circle around me said, "Momma! Look at you, my pretty little dancing girl." Then in the car yesterday on our way to the museum, "Momma, I lub you best when you lubbing me. I'm a berry happy boy."

I've taken lots of pictures... something I love very very much. This is me reflected in a window during our jaunt down to NewOrleans. I've got a mountain of editing to do. In time.

So that's what we've been up to lately, more or less. As soon as Danyelle leaves to go home, I'll recommit to Maybe a to renew our vows or something. Thanks for hanging in there while I've been lost in

Have a Happy Fourth! We have fun plans! What are yours!?
Peace, love, and homemade lemon squares and black coffee.