Saturday, September 26, 2009

Five Months of... Beautiful.

Oh! My sweetest little Happy Birthday.
You've grown so much in the past weeks. You are simply my little treasure. I love it most when I gather you up from your nap... All beside yourself with happy. Especially pleased with your momma's face. Cheek to cheek, we walk to the mirror and make moon.eyes at each other's reflection. Smitten. When you grin at me, then turn away your little shineFace sheepishly- it slays me. You make me soar. I'm so proud that you are my littleDuck. You are the simplest little pleasure- so happy and content... always searching around for your favorite things: BigBruver, me... the fan. You smell like a warm slice of Heaven. The exact replica of your Daddy's smell. When I hold you to snuggle, I can't help but breath deep. You have your daddy's sweet smell that sends me into a spin of dizzy. Happy. Safe. I love how you suck on your fingers... so much that I can hear your happy.slurping across the house. You are fat and beautiful and soft. Ah, my precious sunshineBoy...

I know what your Daddy did yesterday. You know... the brainwashing? Every now and then, momma needs a bit of a break. I know your Daddy is planning a coo to overthrow Momma when she least expects it. I heard him repeating 'Da Da, Da Da, Da Da' to you while I snuck Grey's Anatomy in. Seriously? He does love you completely, but he's known to let you sleep without socks... he's not quick to keep you supplied with fresh, dry, bibs... and he certainly didn't 'make you from scratch.' So, please be a good boy- and remember that 'Momma' is a more suitable first word. Just remember where your It would serve you well because I'm the one who feeds you. Not to mention that magical.mirror.relationship that rocks your socks so much!

Keep growing because nothing seems to please the three of us more than just sitting back to watch you sparkle.

Peace, love, and bebe.chub.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Things are Changing...

This rainy weather promised cooler temperatures...

The spiders are busy at work... this is on the lemon tree by my front door... and there are others under the furniture- masterpieces that are promptly distroyed by my arachnophobic husband.

Honeycrisp apples have found their way to the grocery!

And the best part is that I've gotten back to grabbing the camera to capture it all! :)

Peace, love, and leg.warmers...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Do you ever find yourself thinking about who you want to be?
Not like 'when I grow up' stuff... like WHO you want to BE.
Like the characteristics we learned in elementary school... when the guidance councilor would read a book to us... sitting crossed.legged on the Berber carpet...all gathered around her ankles in a semicircle, looking up? The book would be about something. Friends. Bullies. Responsibilities, etc. But really it was about some bigger issue of morals, respect, character, etc.

That stuff. Do you ever think about WHO you want to BE?

I do. All the time. Partly because I'm reflective in nature. But mostly, because I'm a mother.

I understand that God gave me these boys. They aren't mine. They belong to Him. He wants/demands/commands me to do a bang.up job. And the kicker is, I know what to do. It's not like I didn't have good examples growing up... or that my personal circumstances eclipse my personal responsibility. I know what to do. So I HAVE TO do it. I will ultimately stand accountable for who I was in this life...

So I think... and reflect... and hopefully, I grow.

Jackson's birth brought a season of reflection for me... of course it would. Our family grew in numbers. And through reflection, comes a time of redefining.

I'd die if I was the same person I was five years ago. I'd be so embarrassed. Why?

I lived for myself... selfishly.
I spent nights out, indulging myself and my ego.
My idea of fun was traipsing around with friends, doing whatever activity supported how great I was... how pretty I was... how skinny I was... how cool I was... I funny I was.
I put lots of stock in what other people thought of me.
I could rationalize anything if it benefited me.

Now? Notsomuch. I do realize that if it weren't for that season of my life, living as a young girl without children... with no other reason than to focus on myself, I wouldn't have ever graduated to who I am today.

What a difference a couple of kids make! I wasn't a 'bad' person then... in fact, you'd have loved me. However, I'm a better person now. God gave me my boys... but even better than that- He shows up everyday and helps me raise them.

I've never felt more love.
I've never felt more passion.
I've never felt more purpose in all my life.
I can honestly say, that I'm more authentic and sincere now than I've ever been...

And because of this, over the years, many of the things I use to be have fallen by the wayside. I place no stock in many of the things I use to value. I see no purpose in back.peddling... and dragging my children and husband along with me. Nope. I won't be doing that.

Instead, I'll be doing this. I'm not saying you should be doing it, too. I'm just saying that this is where I am... and I will not give in to any pressure to change.

Personally? I'm tired of this trendy.mommy.movement that basically wants me to believe that my kid is my latest accessory. I'm tired of the notion that I can still live the way I did before having kids... yet have a crib set up in the nursery. That's ridiculous... prolly faulty logic... and not fair to either me as a mother or my kid. Because it's not that easy. AND I've never had my latest handbag wake me up in the middle of the night. It's the same notion that says I'm losing 'myself' if I become a mother...

I haven't lost myself.

I've have stopped wasting time. I've learned to value each day. I've learned that learning and growing and achieving is worth hard work and sacrifice and tears. I've learned to stop caring what other people think of me... because their judgement adds nothing to my life... or my value. I've learned that being authentic is better than being perfect any day, every day. I've learned not to judge other people for how they do things... but to not apologize for the way we do things. I've learned that my kid's futures are worth all the today's that I have. And I'm gladly giving them those days. That doesn't make me weak... it makes me much stronger than you could every imagine.

I don't need to be rescued. I don't need to go back. All I need to do, is to look forward... and value who I am and what I do... and to be brave enough to defend it.

Want to know how I spend my days? I bake bread. I tidy my home. I help James with his reading. I roll around on the bed with Jax... smiling, whispering, blowing raspberries, telling him how in that moment, he is the only thing that matters to me. I prepare dinner. I get the boys ready for their daddy to come home. We greet Marcus. Then the following hours are spent playing, running, swinging, laying, eating, talking, bathing, praying...


These days define my life. If you think that's sad or pathetic, maybe you aren't a mom... or if you are, maybe you haven't surrendered yourself to the role. Either way, if you could... maybe you should. Because you'd never regret it.

Peace, love, and gratitude.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The in.betweens...

*The boys are napping. Yes, at the same time. I know! I should totally... do something. Something good. Like nap? No. I'm too uptight to waste this fleeting moment on something that nice for myself. I'm an idiot. Instead? Maybe, I'll attack the playroom.

But first, I blog. **

Beaux.Jack wants a new muver. No, seriously. He does. Or at least he did Friday night. I must be low on self-esteem bc it almost made me sneak a cry in my bathroom. I thought I could by telling him that he would have to leave his brother and all his toys behind... but that he could wait on the stoop outside, perhaps a new muver would come along and take him home. I thought he'd chicken out. He didn't. He said, 'hey,' He sat outside the front door for... minutes. Maybe 15. Just waiting. He cried when we made him come back inside.

No. We didn't have a falling out. No arguments or tears or anything that would constitute excommunication. *sigh*

An hour later or so, he came up to me and broke down. He sobbed. It was pitiful- bc he didn't have to be that sorry. Just a little sorry. He said he loved me and thought I was beautiful... he said he likes when I sing... etc. He woke up TWICE that night hysterical... saying he didn't want a new muver anymore... that he loved 'Lindsey.' Poor fella. Proof positive that he has inherited his mother's impossible.guilt. Boo. Oh! My good, good boy...

TheDucking and I are involved in an impossible co.dependent relationship. I love him... extremely. I can't keep my hands off of him... I kiss him much more than necessary... and I miss him when he sleeps. Marcus must feel slighted, bc there is a new man in my life. Have I told you that when he eats, he holds me with one hand and twirls my hair with the other? *swoon* And now he cries real tears. Big, fat, wet ones that roll down his buttery cheeks and leave shiny streaks from his dreamy little ink.eyes... Now, I'll never make him do anything he doesn't want to. *great*

James is going to visit the grandparents this weekend. I'm already trying to make up excuses to keep him home... I'll stop breathing Wednesday and resume breathing Saturday. I hate sharing. But I'm an adult... so I haft to suck it up for all the right reasons.

*On a positive note, looks like I'm taking smother.mother to a whole.nuther.level! Right?

I'm feeling great. Really positive. Almost like I'm rounding the corner on this pregnancy/infancy stage of life, and on to the next stage of raising two boys. Things are easier every day. Schedules more in sync, routines more predictable... you know the drill. The boys seem happy and growing... and my body is recouping itself. This weekend I took my first deep breath- and realized that I've worked really hard. Managed a lot. And now I can ease off a bit and take back some time to myself. They boys are a.okay.

Nice, right?

What have I done so far? I went shopping. I bought skinny jeans. Probably a dreadful mistake. But I did. I totally admit that I must have had a label on my head walking through the doors at that retailer: 'Postpartum mom. First shopping trip out since she lost the bebe weight. WILL BUY ANYTHING if you compliment her and look at cell phone pics of her kids.'

I've got loads of energy this week. We were bogged down with a cold last week. All three of us... but I've got two days from being symptom free, prolly.

I *may* take on the Temper.Tantrum in my closet... pack away the maternity clothes... maybe leave out that extra.roomy shirt just in case I need it for 'one of those days.' I would take a pic of the Temper.Tantrum living in my closet. But if I shared it here, my cover would be blown. Wide.Open. You'd see what brat I really can be.

So for posterity's sake, here are a few pics that I played with over the weekend. Brace yourself... this kid has Powers. Once he flashes his sunshineFace at you... you may be hooked. It's dreadful, actually.

Okay... so in the time it took to post this. Jackson woke up from his nap... so what? I got like, twenty minutes? And the crazy part is that I'm not even aggravated. I just can't wait to go grab him and get my next fix. Something really needs to be done about this. Maybe a girls.night.out would provide the 'intervention' I need... bc really, I'm in too deep. ;)

Peace, love, and fresh.ginger.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

On weekending...

When most of you read this, it will be Wednesday. The middle day. The space between two weekends... Crazy how we are already mid.week!

The weekend was lovely. Erica and the boys came and we had the best time. I love the comfort that comes when you share space with people you trust. People who encourage. People who are big enough to give unconditionally... and place no expectations in return. Friendships like those are limitless and precious.

We threw a surprise green birthday party for the greenest girl we know. My favorite parts included blowing out the candles on Erica's birthday cake. The boys on chairs gathered round conquering the candles... Erica's face endlessly grinning... me knowing that the cake is perfect and that she feels loved.

The boys pretended to be Terracotta warriors... Granna sent museum goody bags with toys. I cooked and cooked.and.cooked and loved every second of it. We explored LSU and Highland... swam... sunned... and sat on the couch. Erica held theDuckling and told me that he was perfect no less than a hundred times. NEVER under estimate the power of encouragement. Every time she told how perfect Jackson was, I felt restored a bit. Re.enforced a bit. The flimsy in me was replaced with something stronger with every sincere reminder. What she was really saying was that I.did.well. I was.doing.well. And that I doing well. With a simple repeated word, she was telling me to buck up, stay strong, and take heart... that my efforts count... because my kids shined. *I want to encourage someone like that one day. Because she gifted me first...

We all sported Our Colors and watched LSU play. The two wives outlasted the husbands as they slept through the second half... I ate potato chips... and liked it. A lot.

(those LSU wreaths I mentioned earlier)

It was a good string of days. I look forward to October, November, and New Years...

Peace, love, and Matcha.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

A List of Things...

Time is short, but I can't put this post off another day. I hate the blogger.guilt that creeps up on me when I'm too engrossed in my day... or two days. So here is a list. A nice, solid list. No pics bc the cameras are charging. Perhaps I'll update with one...

Okay, on to the listing!

1.) This weather renews me. I feel refreshed and rededicated.
2.) I did sew those bibs that I mentioned earlier. Oh my goodness! * Cuteness*
3.) Moonbeam and the boys are coming to stay this weekend for the holiday.
A. camp out, complete with tent, smores, roasted hot dogs.
B. feeding the ducks at the lakes, a trip to see Mike the Tiger.
C. darts at night in the garage.
D. LSU's first football game/party
E. homemade yum.yumssssss
F. pictures, pictures, pictures!
G. t.ball in the backyard, fishing in the lake, and theHotness vs. the Lake (or better known as, The Ex.Athlete Games: Has.been? or Still.Got.It?) *a quarterly event that is known to be a real crowd pleaser...
4.) Jackson rolled over Monday!!! From back to belly! Marcus and I both caught it... and Lola snapped a couple pics of the action.
5.) Completed new LSU football front door wreaths... Geaux Tigers!

I've been busy cleaning, redecorating for fall, and planning food for the upcoming week. I love preparing our home for company. Call me crazy, but I completely have a ball with it. I do go a bit overboard... but it's all worth it!

I'll try to get pics up soon....

Peace, love, and homemade.granola.