Definition...

Do you ever find yourself thinking about who you want to be?
Not like 'when I grow up' stuff... like WHO you want to BE.
Like the characteristics we learned in elementary school... when the guidance councilor would read a book to us... sitting crossed.legged on the Berber carpet...all gathered around her ankles in a semicircle, looking up? The book would be about something. Friends. Bullies. Responsibilities, etc. But really it was about some bigger issue of morals, respect, character, etc.

That stuff. Do you ever think about WHO you want to BE?

I do. All the time. Partly because I'm reflective in nature. But mostly, because I'm a mother.

I understand that God gave me these boys. They aren't mine. They belong to Him. He wants/demands/commands me to do a bang.up job. And the kicker is, I know what to do. It's not like I didn't have good examples growing up... or that my personal circumstances eclipse my personal responsibility. I know what to do. So I HAVE TO do it. I will ultimately stand accountable for who I was in this life...

So I think... and reflect... and hopefully, I grow.

Jackson's birth brought a season of reflection for me... of course it would. Our family grew in numbers. And through reflection, comes a time of redefining.

I'd die if I was the same person I was five years ago. I'd be so embarrassed. Why?

I lived for myself... selfishly.
I spent nights out, indulging myself and my ego.
My idea of fun was traipsing around with friends, doing whatever activity supported how great I was... how pretty I was... how skinny I was... how cool I was... I funny I was.
I put lots of stock in what other people thought of me.
I could rationalize anything if it benefited me.

Now? Notsomuch. I do realize that if it weren't for that season of my life, living as a young girl without children... with no other reason than to focus on myself, I wouldn't have ever graduated to who I am today.

What a difference a couple of kids make! I wasn't a 'bad' person then... in fact, you'd have loved me. However, I'm a better person now. God gave me my boys... but even better than that- He shows up everyday and helps me raise them.

I've never felt more love.
I've never felt more passion.
I've never felt more purpose in all my life.
I can honestly say, that I'm more authentic and sincere now than I've ever been...

And because of this, over the years, many of the things I use to be have fallen by the wayside. I place no stock in many of the things I use to value. I see no purpose in back.peddling... and dragging my children and husband along with me. Nope. I won't be doing that.

Instead, I'll be doing this. I'm not saying you should be doing it, too. I'm just saying that this is where I am... and I will not give in to any pressure to change.

Personally? I'm tired of this trendy.mommy.movement that basically wants me to believe that my kid is my latest accessory. I'm tired of the notion that I can still live the way I did before having kids... yet have a crib set up in the nursery. That's ridiculous... prolly faulty logic... and not fair to either me as a mother or my kid. Because it's not that easy. AND I've never had my latest handbag wake me up in the middle of the night. It's the same notion that says I'm losing 'myself' if I become a mother...

I haven't lost myself.

I've have stopped wasting time. I've learned to value each day. I've learned that learning and growing and achieving is worth hard work and sacrifice and tears. I've learned to stop caring what other people think of me... because their judgement adds nothing to my life... or my value. I've learned that being authentic is better than being perfect any day, every day. I've learned not to judge other people for how they do things... but to not apologize for the way we do things. I've learned that my kid's futures are worth all the today's that I have. And I'm gladly giving them those days. That doesn't make me weak... it makes me much stronger than you could every imagine.

I don't need to be rescued. I don't need to go back. All I need to do, is to look forward... and value who I am and what I do... and to be brave enough to defend it.

****
Want to know how I spend my days? I bake bread. I tidy my home. I help James with his reading. I roll around on the bed with Jax... smiling, whispering, blowing raspberries, telling him how in that moment, he is the only thing that matters to me. I prepare dinner. I get the boys ready for their daddy to come home. We greet Marcus. Then the following hours are spent playing, running, swinging, laying, eating, talking, bathing, praying...

See?







These days define my life. If you think that's sad or pathetic, maybe you aren't a mom... or if you are, maybe you haven't surrendered yourself to the role. Either way, if you could... maybe you should. Because you'd never regret it.

Peace, love, and gratitude.
xo
lmkw