What it feels like to walk out a dream...

Here I sit. Eating Reece's Pieces from a little blue Tupperware that I found. In my refrigerator. I think James put them there. They are left over from his Birthday.Grand Party. I asked him why they were in the fridge. 'Cause I'm tryin to be wisponsible. Now that I'm four.' I love his little declarations...

I just sent off a round of sneak*peeks to a client. A repeat customer. *One of my favorite of the images is pictured above...
*wow*

I'm actually doing this photography thing. I can claim it. I can be proud. I can push myself to learn... and be better.

I only have one spot available in January, and two left for February. That's... amazing. Hard for my little brain to process.

What I mean is, these opportunities- EACH opportunity solidifies the dream of me being a photographer. It also means that with each drop of my shutter, I'm actively working to fulfill my ultimate dream of adopting a child of my own. These dreams exist together, with one not ending before the next begins.

There was a time once in my life, things were cloudy. I felt disappointment. Hopelessness had taken up a place inside my heart and it made each day hard to face. Then came The Moment when everything changed. A true turning point in my life. Someone told me that this moment in my life could be compared to going on vacation when I was a kid. His words went something like: You were too small to know how to get there. Which roads to take. How to direct the car safely on the intended path. You didn't have to worry about when you were going to eat or rest. Stop or start. You trusted that your Dad would take care of all of that. He knew exactly what to do along the journey to get you safely to your destination. All you knew to ask was, 'are we there yet.' Most of the time, your Dad would tell you 'No. Just a bit further.' But then came the time when you asked, 'Are we there yet?' and he answered "Yes! Look out the window. We are here. We have arrived." You tumbled out of the car sure to enjoy the destination of vacation. You never gave a second thought to the journey that brought you there.

He went on to clarify that our life is a journey perfectly planned and directed by our Heavenly Father. We have to trust that He ultimately knows exactly what to bring into our lives, exactly when to bring it- for us to enjoy the reward of Life that comes when we surrender control to His Plan. Because His destination far outweighs any destination that can be achieved through our efforts alone.

This chapter in my life... the one where I become a photographer with a capital 'P' was in the cards all along even though I was too small to see it. What brings me even more Hope, is that my dream of adopting this child is more than a wish. It is the next stop along the route. I trust that as long as I surrender my plan, my control, my effort to Him- I will arrive safely to The Day in my life when I will wake up and put on a specifically.special outfit... have a freshly charged battery in my camera... I'll pack my purse with goodies... struggle with an anxious tummy. I'll feel Marcus' hand grab mine, clammy but sure. He will be quiet and steady. We will fidget nervously with each other. We will hold our breath and watch our daughter enter the room. Tentative but perfect. New but familiar.

Every effort. Every dollar. Every single tear spent along the way will evaporate in that instant.

I wonder if she will cry when they hand her to us? I wonder so many things about her... about her birth.mother... and about that Day...


This is my dream walking into this New Year: To grow into myself a little more each day. To take the courage to live free of fear, free of doubt. To value myself and value others- not for what they are... but for who they are... for who they are along their own journey. I want to be big enough to let people be themselves- and not pass judgement. I want to accept that people DO what they WANT to do- regardless what I think/wish/want and that's okay.

I want to be available to Encourage.
I want to be quiet enough to Listen.
I want to be bold enough to Laugh or Jump or Sing... loudly. :)
I want to be sensitive to Recognize when to Act and when to be Still.
I want to be brave enough to Stand.
I want to be hopeful enough to Dream.
I want to be present enough to Breathe Deeply and Surrender to the Moment of Now.
I want to be authentic enough that my Sons recognize their mother for the woman she is.

I can't plan this trip to get to her. I can't make it go faster. I'll trust that God's plan is perfect... and that He will hold me steady and safe as we travel. In the meantime, I will prepare myself for all the promise that is in store for me and my family.

Greetings 2010! I've been waiting for you. Let's get on with it, shall we?

Peace, love, and Orange.Yellow.and.Brown,
xo
lmkw